beginning the journey

Why is it we waste so much time and energy worrying about nothing…because at the moment to us (me) it seems overwhelming.  The reality is that everyone dreads or fears something. The difference is in how we handle it.

Have you ever dreaded (feared) something that was upcoming, you knew it had to be done, but every bad thought of “what if this happens?” enters your thoughts?   That was me regarding the outpatient surgery I had on Friday. It slows down or stops you in the midst of your journey. It’s a selfish monster that robs you of time, health, energy, helping others and faith.

That was me for the past 2 weeks.  Once I knew that the surgery was inevitable, I spent time and energy worrying about what if….!!   Well, what if something good happens as a result?  What if something bad was to happen?  Will our faith be destroyed if it’s not exactly what we wanted?   How fragile is my/our faith?  Does it depend on getting my/our way or is it accepting of God’s will without conditions?  I was faced with this last Thursday night, when a very dear friend of mine, “Maureen” took time out of her busy schedule to be with me.

Not once did I feel condemned that evening for being afraid, dreading the unknown, wondering about life and the outcome.  What did happen was she gave me the ultimate gift of herself.  She opened up her own life to me and shared how she had felt the first time in surgery. Vulnerability and relationship!  Goodness, we were identical.  We’ve been very close friends for several years; but now…sisters!

Doing it afraid was the only way to go.  But to get to that point for Friday morning meant accepting the fear and realizing that God wasn’t condemning me for how I felt.  That I wasn’t crazy, just needed to grow in this area of life.  Not one time did I hear the typical Christian phrase, “where’s your faith?  You know better than this!”  It’s not in her heart.  I can never thank her enough for what she taught me that night.  God ministered through Maureen in an amazing way.  For it to work though, I had to be willing to be vulnerable and trusting.  I did that evening and as a result, Friday was a much easier time than it would have been otherwise.

The surgery was successful, even though I don’t have the reports back yet.  What matters most to me is that I did it and gained from the experience.  God was obviously present at that moment in time.  He’s always there, but in His love and graciousness toward me, He manifested His presence through every nurse and doctor.  Thank you Father for your constant love!

How does this relate to my journey of weight loss??   In more ways than you can imagine.  I had to slow my workouts down for a few days and I didn’t follow my MyFitnessPal routine I’ve been in for over 250 days.  But, I did learn what it takes to live.  I don’t know if I’ve gained a few pounds or lost.  I won’t weigh again until August 14^th.  But I do know that no matter what happens, this particular journey is succeeding and changing my life forever.  It’s not a fight; for me it’s a fact of life!

It’s ok to share your heart with someone close to you.  Actually, it’s a requirement to live life!  God created us for relationships.   Shame, fear, intimidation are but a view of the lies we accept in order to hide.  You can’t hide from the truth.  I’m overweight and that’s impossible to hide.  What’s not impossible is to make positive life choices and not be afraid to fail.  If you never fail, you never succeed.  (That’s in a book I read years ago.)

My lesson learned is…

“no matter how many times I fall down, doubt, fear, feel ashamed and want to quit, etc…I will not give myself the option to quit!!!! I’ll do it afraid!”

 ^“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.”  James 1:2-4 (The Message)

Ever had those moments when you knew you were going in the right direction, but that sneaky thing called fear that slowly makes its home in your heart and mind, likes to throw bricks or boulders in your path.  These are the times when I really have to challenge my way of thinking and return to that place that knows… …”I am where I am today (and I’m learning to be proud of myself)…I’m not where I was (thank the Lord)… and I’m on my way to getting to where I want and need to be.”

No one can do it for me.  I have to make the choice to not let the tests and challenges overcome me.  I know who God is in so many ways, but like most of us, when something new (or old) pops itself up for testing, I forget what I should know and look for common answers.  He never promised a rose garden for my life, but having God in my life brings the rose garden to life.  It is planted, watered, fed, weeded, and then again.  The final picture or where we should be, is a growing process and that means some thorns and weeds along the way.  I want my rose to bloom even if it’s in the desert.

You may be wondering what I’m going through and I’ll let you in on my next piece of the journey.  I have to have minor surgery 7/27 and I’ve never been in surgery or had anesthesia of this nature.  Once again, fear and dread, but not this time.  I’m on a mission to do what’s best for my body.  When others see me, I want them to see Jesus and not an overweight, scared and tired person.  Yes, many see Jesus in my life because I’m not shy about it. But I want the whole package.  I want to be able to ‘run’ the race, not crawl it.  So once again, I’m doing it even afraid.  And I don’t think that God loves us any less when we’re overweight.  He loves us unconditionally.  This is my gift back to Him for the gift of life that He has so freely given to me.

If I can overcome fear, intimidation and shame at the gym, I can do this too.  BTW, good things are going on during my workouts with Jennie Sue.  She’s tough but we have fun facing the fears of what I never thought I could do.  Balance is an act of faith.  (Hahaha)  Just go for it!   I am!!

…”I am where I am today (and I’m learning to be proud of myself)…I’m not where I was (thank the Lord)… and I’m on my way to getting to where I want and need to be.”

I’ve revised my earlier statement just a bit to reflect reality and keep my promise to be real with everyone.  This is the year of facing fear head on in so many areas.  Just when I think I’ve got it, ha…here comes another opportunity to grow in my relationship with the Lord.  He has spared me a lot of physical ailments that many my size and age go through, but you have to take care of yourself in order to be at your best.  I’m getting there, but there are repairs coming along with my journey.

I’ve lost 61 pounds to date (since February) and am enjoying the workouts and learning to eat right.  Truthfully, I do enjoy working out at the gym.  My trainer, Jennie Sue, is such a blessing and a strong encourager for me.  I’m never told you can’t but I hear, “you can do this and so much more!”   How can you fail with that kind of an attitude at your side?  I’m finding out just how much I’ve let dread and fear keep me from pushing myself in workouts.  If you’re afraid of doing something in the gym, do it anyway unless you have a medical reason not to do it.

I have a form of atrial fib that is under control, but I’ve spent so much time thinking….oh no, I can’t do that or I won’t.   Imagine the elation I felt when several weeks ago,  Jennie headed toward one of those huge towers of walking…the dreaded treadmill.   Not exactly what I was feeling at the moment.  She called it doing inclines.   Lol  Right!   Well, I did 5 minutes and was able to get up to a 10 incline.  This is from the girl who could barely do 5 minutes at 1.3 and 0 incline at home.  It’s not that I couldn’t, I was too afraid to do it.  Fear keeps us from accomplishing God’s will in our lives.   It’s one of Satan’s best tools-our own fears and dreads.

Here’s a funny one for you and no one was hurt during the process, except my pride.  When I got off the treadmill, I was so excited that I forgot it was on the second tier with a small step down.  As you have probably already guessed…I fell face first on the floor in the big gym.  Normally, I would have cringed from embarrassment and cried.  Not this time.   I fell correctly (if that is possible) and laughed so hard at myself.  Jennie handled it well by not showing panic, but making sure I was ok and then joining me in laughing.  The poor guy on the treadmill was afraid for me and yet wanted to laugh.  It was funny and now I’m very aware of those crazy steps.  I could use fear to stay away just in case I fell again.  I could fall over a blade of misplaced grass and break something.  Do I not walk on grass?   Hardly!

In all of this, I’m letting you see the truth of something all of us go through at one time or another.  Those who think they don’t have to face fear are lying to themselves.  Everyone has something they are or have been afraid of in their lifetime.  The difference is how we handle getting through it.  Do you do what I’ve done so much and hidden yourself away or do you face it afraid and head on?  Joyce Meyers has a great teaching on facing fear afraid.

Most of us who are or have been losing weight have had to face the fears attached to it.  Shame!  Embarrassment!  Afraid of what others think!   Fear of failing!  I’m here to let you see the raw truth as I go through this entire process.  It isn’t always pretty and uplifting, but the battles during the war are a memorial of what God is doing in my life.  I am not doing well at times with a few areas, but I’m not allowing them to stop me.   Don’t give up on yourself!   You’re worth the journey and the battles along the way.   I’m afraid too but I’m facing this fear afraid knowing God is with and around me every step of the way.  He loves us even when we fall down and feel like quitting.  He never quits on us, so don’t give up on yourself!  I’m not!  I’m doing it!!!!!!